I’ve been struggling a lot recently with my eating disorder. A part of me knows that I want to get better to live a better life, because I can’t live a healthy life this way, but there’s the bigger part of me that just doesn’t want that. I don’t know why I don’t want that, but that’s the (pardon my language) mind-fuck about this illness. You may not want to continue living this way, but then there’s every fibre of your being that tells you that you have to. That this is the only thing you have, this is the only thing that gives your life substance.
I can’t begin to tell you how difficult it is to fight against your every instinct. I’ve said before that it’s like being told to break your leg. Everybody is telling you that breaking your leg is going to be a positive thing and that it’ll benefit your life in the long run, but obviously you don’t want to break your leg. Every instinct within you tells you not to break your leg, not to give into what they’re saying and to keep living the way that you’re comfortable with.
The thing is; this is still the case if your leg needs to be broken to reset it. Logically, you might know that it needs to be broken to be truly healed so that it doesn’t cause you as much pain, but you still don’t want to break your leg. You’re not going to just give in and let them do it, no matter what they say.
That analogy doesn’t make any sense, but it’s really the way I feel. Why would I willingly cause myself pain when I don’t see that it’s going to get any better? I don’t see a benefit to breaking my leg – I just see more pain and suffering, so how on Earth would it make me feel any better?
That’s what it’s like living with anorexia. Everybody tells you that you need to fight against it to live a better life and to see the green grass on the other side of the fence, but it’s harder to believe that than people think. Fighting against my eating disorder feels like the wrong move, it feels unnatural and uncomfortable. ‘Life begins outside your comfort zone’ – yes, it might, but it takes so much strength to actually get there that I’m worried it’s not going to be worth it.
I think one of my biggest fears is just that – that it won’t be worth it. People tell me that I need to get better, to get healthier, to experience a life that’s worth living and to make something of myself. To enjoy living, instead of just barely surviving. They tell me that I’ll achieve so much – that I’ll be able to see so many different things and accomplish so many goals. But then I’m left wondering; what if I don’t? What if none of that happens? What if I’m forced to get to a point of managing this illness – and note how I don’t say I will ever be any better than I am now – and I just don’t achieve anything? What will be the point of it then? I’ll just be in a place of even more suffering and I’ll feel even worse for it. Then I’ll be left feeling like I have nothing – feeling like I gave up the control of my eating disorder for no real reason, because I won’t be able to achieve what I’m aiming for.
I’m not sure. My head is a bit foggy tonight, and I don’t feel good. Why? Because of my eating disorder – I know that much – but I’m confusing myself writing this as well.
What I’m trying to say is that I’m scared getting to the point of managing this illness will never be worth it because I don’t believe that I’m going to achieve anything. This eating disorder is my crutch, as it were, and if I give it up, then I’m going to fall over and I don’t know if I’ll be able to pick myself up.
If you or a loved one may be struggling from an eating disorder, there is hope. You can find a range of resources here.